Joy and happiness are the fundamentals of human existence, and it is the hidden root of all human endeavours। A teacher, nurse, doctor, lawyer, businessperson, and you name it, leaving his or her home for work each day; implicitly do so in search of these important components of life. This also applies to a newly wedded couple, or a parent taking care of his or her child or children. There is no human activity without joy and happiness as the main hidden reason for its pursuance.
Very regrettably, though of paramount necessity, the most sought after components of our daily life is very difficult to experience। This is so because as children of God, we possess them already; it is only for us to awaken it. Unfortunately, quite often, this knowledge eludes most Christians.
It is important to note that, as Christians, we are not immune to the world’s turbulence। On the contrary, we encounter more problems and difficulties than others, because through life’s thorny paths, God refines our character, transforming us according to his will, so that if we submit to him, he can use us to glorify his name.
From the day we accept Christ as our Lord and Saviour, and invite him into our live, Satan, who opposes all that stands for God, declares war against us—attacking us through our health, job, family, relationships, desires, et cetera। The good news is that irrespective of how intense the battle might seem, victory is undoubtedly ours, because Christ’s crucifixion has already won the battle for us. Nothing—absolutely nothing and nobody can ever succeed in fighting against us, except we so wish.
If we resist God’s calling, we will definitely encounter difficulties, because God knows what is best for us। If we make a wrong choice or decision, it is quite normal that we encounter problems. It is just like taking a wrong direction. For we have a merciful and loving father, kind and sympathetic, whenever we return to him—repenting from our disobedience, he is always there with open-arms to receive us back.
JOY AND HAPPINESS
Let us start with happiness.
WHAT IS TRUE HAPPINESS
Life’s experiences are not always happy। Nevertheless, the belief is that, we ought to strife for happiness—to do all that we can, to attain it, and make personal satisfaction our main goal. Solomon, writing about his own life, discovered that his wealth, power, wives, and accomplishments did not make him happy. Happiness is an elusive goal because people and circumstances change quickly. True and lasting happiness, however, comes from pleasing God. We cannot achieve happiness, but can only receive it through a right relationship with God, because only God knows what is really best for us, and he is the Creator and the giver of happiness.
WHAT IS JOY?
When things are going well, we feel elated; when hardships come; we sink into depression। True joy transcends these waves of circumstances. Joy comes from a consistent relationship with Jesus Christ. When our lives are intertwined with his, he helps us walk through adversity without sinking into lows and helps us manage prosperity, without moving into deceptive highs. The joy of living with Christ daily keeps us levelheaded, no matter how high or low our circumstances.
JOY VS HAPPINESS
True joy is far deeper than happiness; for it can be felt even when we are in the deepest troubles. Happiness is temporary because it is based on external circumstances, but joy is lasting because it is based on God’s presence within us. We can find joy and happiness as we contemplate God’s presence daily, both in our lives and around us.
While joy comes from knowing and trusting God, happiness comes because of pleasant circumstances or situations। Joy is constant as long as we trust God; happiness is unpredictable, for it fluctuates. Joy defeats discouragements; happiness covers it up. Joy is lasting; happiness is temporary.
HOW TO RECEIVE JOY AND HAPPINESS
1. CARING FOR OTHERS
The ultimate litmus test for having joy and happiness is how caring we are to others, because this is its only legitimate source। Hence, always helping everybody we encounter and even creating opportunities to render unpaid services to others, will surely give us great joy and happiness. By serving others, we obey God’s command that we should love others, and only action can demonstrate true love.
By experimenting with this, you will come to discover that this is the only genuine source of lasting happiness। In other words, the only source of lasting joy and happiness is forming the habit of making others happy—meaning, if we long for these two attributes, we must render un-rewarded services to others. The more we do this, the happier and joyous we will be, irrespective of the circumstances that we may be facing.
I do not mean only those who have done good to us, for this is rewarding them for the services to us। To bear fruit, we have to do it to everybody, even our enemies.
For this philosophy to work there is a condition that must be respected, without which we will be wasting our time and resources। We must not render unpaid services to people to show off or to boast—doing this will definitely rob us of our desired goal. The more we apply this principle, the happier, and joyous we will be. Somebody once said, “Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” Once people know how much we care, they will pray for us, and the more they pray, the more we will be blessed. Joy and happiness always follows God’s blessings.
2. SCRIPTURAL MEDITAION
As we can hardly know our earthly father without having an intimate relationship with him, so also it is with our heavenly father। This is possible only through spending time studying and meditating on his Word. If we do this regularly, we will systematically get to understand his personality, and his boundless power that he has made available to us. Word will breathe life into our daily activities.
In the New Testament, meditation is emphasized in Paul’s admonition to Timothy (1 Timothy 4:15)। In this verse, the Greek word for “Meditation,” meleta, means “To be careful,” or “To show care” in a matter. This suggests that meditation is more than just thinking good thoughts. It is paying attention to how we might specifically apply these lessons, after we have finished the meditation, asking the Holy Spirit to guide us.
Meditation gives joy or inner peace and good health as pointed out in Psalm 119:93; it reads, “I will never lay aside your laws, for you have used them to restore my joy and health।” Isaiah 26:3 supports this as it states, “He will keep in perfect peace all those who trust in him, whose thoughts turn often to the Lord’s.” In other words, as we can never avoid difficulties in the world around us, with God, through his Words, we can still have perfect peace even while encountering turmoil. Supported by God’s unchanging love and mighty power, the surrounding calamities will never overwhelm us—natural or otherwise, even ones as destructive as the Tsunami disaster.
Besides meditation giving us joy and happiness, reflecting on the Word of God gives hope when there seem to be despair। The Psalmist realised this when he said in Psalm 94:19, “Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer.”
Secondly, spending time meditating on the Scriptures gives tremendous wisdom and understanding that will affect all areas of our daily life। It is through meditation that we can rise above our natural selves and the world, seeing God’s plan in its proper perspective. Meditation is the mother of creativity.
HOW TO MEDITATE
1. Focusing on God’s person:
What does this mean? It is reflecting on our understanding of our Creator. Though at first glance this seems easy, on a deeper thought our impression is quite the opposite. There are many questions that spring up in our mind—questions such as, what do we actually know about God? What do we believe about God? What does the Bible say about God that touches our every day life? What great attributes of God can we better appropriate in our life each day?
On doing this, we discover that no one can get answer to most of our questions, except if we ask the Holy Spirit to illuminate our mind and give us wisdom and understanding। As we meditate regularly, we will be amazed to see how our understanding of God’s nature and His purpose both for us and for the world increases. Consequently, our confidence in ourselves and in His Words will also increase beyond our imagination. We will feel God’s joy and happiness in our hearts.
2. Focusing on God’s Word:
There is nothing as inspiring, encouraging, and motivating than meditating on God’s Word. With about thirty thousand of God’s promises in the Scriptures, irrespective of our circumstances there is always a promise that can reassure us. Besides all other promises, is it not comforting to know that God tells us not to be afraid, and that he will never abandon nor forsake us?
Personally, one of my most comforting promises of God is found in Jeremiah 29:11 – 13; it reads, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord। They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.” Whenever I am disappointed or going through a difficult time, as I am now, all the negative emotions that I had disappear when I read this. Joy and happiness, hope and optimism fill my heart. This has been a great source of inspiration to me.
If you form the habit of meditating on God’s promises in the Scriptures, especially those that correspond with your particular situation, you will realise that you can have joy and happiness as your permanent companion, no matter what your situation।
3. Focusing on God’s work:
Another angle that we could reflect on the Scriptures is God’s work। This is what the writer of Psalm 77:12 did when he wrote, “Those wonderful deeds are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about them.”
One does not need to travel far to see God’s wonderful handwork to meditate on, because his majestic creation is all around us। You can even start with your person. Have you ever imagined how complex our body is? It is made up of hundreds of different parts, elements, substances, cells, etc. Yet each of them and their respective roles are important and necessary to the functioning of our body.
We can also reflect on the sky with its magnificent asymmetric structure and components, whose nature is beyond human understanding; despite all the scientific researches and discoveries। We could meditate on countless things.
The more we ponder on God’s creation, the more we will discover how insignificant we are as compared to him। The main advantage of this method is it has the tendency of humbling us before God. Consequently, we will be blessed as Christ promised in the Beatitude, “Blessed are the humbled, for theirs is the kingdom of God.”
4. Focusing on past victories:
Quite often, we forget all the wonderful things that God has done for us in the past. On reflecting on them our heart will never stop glorifying him, and we will never be scared of the future or any situation. Unfortunately, quite often we completely forget all that he has done for us, and concentrate only on the very few things that we lack. That is human nature.
Meditate on God’s previous blessings, guidance, goodness, protections, and mercies during difficult times। Why not follow Jeremiah as stated in Lamentation 3:21 – 23, it says, “Yet there is one ray of hope: his compassion never ends. It is only the Lord’s mercies that have kept us from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness: his loving-kindness begins afresh each day.”
5. Praise and worship: With praise and worship we thank, adore, glorify, and magnify God’s grace, mercy, faithfulness, amazing love the list is infinite.
The effect of praise and worship is immediate, and it is astounding. Quite often, when I encounter a situation that seems to overwhelm me, all that I do, is to sing my favourite songs. Joy and happiness flow abundantly into my heart. My favourites are:
When I think of the goodness of Jesus
And all that he has done for me
My very soul shouts Alleluia
Thank you Lord for saving me
……………………………….
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is thy faithfulness, oh Lord
Great is thy faithfulness
When you face a situation that seems impossible for you to handle, just sing one of your most favourite songs। You will feel tremendous joy and happiness pour into your heart. It will be like an opened tap whose outlet was blocked.
3. TITHING
Tithing is one of the greatest secrets for joy and happiness that has eluded many, even most dedicated Christians. What is the relationship between tithing and joy and happiness, you may wonder. The answer comes from knowing its main purpose as it is stated in the second sentence of Deuteronomy 14:23, to “teach us always to put God first in our lives.”
The above-quoted passage makes it very clear—to put God first in our lives. We are to give God the first and best of what we earn. What we do first with our money shows what we value most. Giving the first part of our income to God immediately focuses our attention on him. It also reminds us that all that we have are his. Forming a habit of tithing regularly can keep God at the top of our priority list; giving us a proper perspective on everything else we have.
The benefits of tithing are two-fold। First, keeping God at the top of our priority list makes God keep us at his. Second, paying to support God’s work makes him promote all our endeavours. It is impossible to tithe habitually without being blessed beyond human comprehension. When this happens, joy and happiness will come naturally.
4. FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is the offspring of understanding and acceptance.
Like the other two components, it does not mean approval but forgetting unconditionally about the past, accepting the present as it is, and looking towards the future with optimism.
Forgiving others is to erase completely what the person has done to us from our mind. It is forgetting about retaliation, reparation, restitution, or revenge.
Besides that forgiveness releases the heavy burden of grudges from our mind, the Bible says that God forgive us as we forgive others। No wise person could ever wish to face God’s anger that might be brought about by his or her unforgiving attitude.
Bitterness always accompanies unforgiveness, and in its presence, joy and happiness will be as far from us as East is from the West। By forgiving, we not only create room for joy and happiness, but we also invite them to take their place in our hearts.
I do not mean to say that it is easy to forgive। I quite understand how difficult it can be. Luckily there is a strategy, and that is to separate the problem from the perpetrator. We can do this by referring to the Scriptures, as it states that our troubles are not caused by flesh and blood, but by principalities. Most of our problems, including being offended by people are spiritual warfare, rather than the doing of the people concerned. By reasoning this way, and with prayers, it will be easier to forgive.
I pray that Almighty God, who called us to serve him, will grant us all that we need, including filling our hearts with joy and happiness, so that we may serve him with assiduity, in order that his name will be glorified, in Jesus’ mighty name। Amen!
N/B: THIS ARTICLE REMAINS THE PROPERTY OF ITS AURTHOR
The author also has an inspiration book entitled, "In search of Success", which is yet to be published.
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Wednesday 26 January 2011
The Fundamentals For Success
“I am convinced”, Zacchaeus said, that life is just a game, here on earth, a game where no one need be a loser, no matter what his plight or condition may be. I believe that everyone can enjoy the fruits of victory but I am equally as certain that, like all other games, one cannot participate in this mysterious act of living with any hope of satisfaction unless one understands a few simple rules.”
Og Mandino’s
The Greatest Success in the World
Have you ever spent some time pondering over the existence and the functioning of everything around you, including human beings? If you have, what have been your conclusions? If you have not, I suggest that you take a minute or two and do a little fact-finding exercise. Wherever you are now, I suggest that you just look around you and observe very carefully all that you can see, including the sky.
If I say that you have seen hundreds of things within a few minutes, I do not think that would be an exaggeration. Now if I may ask, what do you think all of them have in common? This may seem to be an odd question, but it is worth reflecting upon, for it is important to our existence, as they have at least one thing in common. The sun, the air you are breathing right now, your electronic appliances, the electricity which you use almost every minute of your life, the car you are driving, your pets, flowers and plants, even your very person—I mean everything under the Universe—all have one thing in common. That is, Laws entirely governs their existence and functioning.
In other words, you are living in a world that is entirely governed by laws. Whether you realise it or not, whatever happens to you is as a result of either an abuse or ignorance of one or some of these laws or as a result of their application. Therefore, certain laws also govern success, as it is one of the world’s phenomena
If you yearn for success, it is necessary that you know and obey its laws and principles, at least the basic ones. Even when you achieve it, you still have to obey it laws, else instead of giving you an avalanche of joy and happiness, it is likely to leave behind just the opposite.
After this discovery, there are two questions that worth asking. What is your meaning of life? Moreover, what do you think is the reason for your being here on earth? Do you think you are here on earth by an accident? These questions are very important, and they deserve pondering upon, for your success depends on your answers. Your inability to answer them correctly is just like a student who studies physics for a history examination. I leave you to imagine what the outcome would be.
These questions have puzzled innumerable prominent philosophers for thousands of years. While many of them have thrown inn their towels, others have been coming up with implausible guesses. The research that Dr. Hugh Moorhead, a philosophy professor at North-eastern Illinois University confirms this difficulty of finding the meaning of life. He wrote to 250 very prominent philosophers, scientists, writers, and other intellectuals worldwide, asking them, what they think the meaning of life is, and then published their answers in a book. While some gave guessed answers, others admitted that they just created a purpose for their life, and the rest admitted that they had no idea whatever.
The universal opinion about life is that, it is all about our personality, our vocation, what we eat or drink, what we do for our leisure time, etc. Most people believe that if they can earn a lot of money, have expensive dresses, eat whatever they wish; live an exorbitant life, then they assume that they are having a wonderful life. All these satisfy only man’s appetites, and not their deepest longings—this is the one of the reasons most very well to do people have the feeling of emptiness, and dissatisfaction.
Real life comes from total commitment to God—the Creator of life. Total commitment to God requires discipline, sacrifice, and hard work, and that is why most people never find or have a successful life. At first, it may not seem to be as much fun as the popular way of living, but gradually, as our relationship with God deepens, it strengthens our character, and gives birth to peace of mind, and profound satisfaction. The long-term rewards of obeying God are unimaginable.
The answer to the second question is that, we are here on earth to be prepared for eternity. We were brought here to love, and fellowship with one other and to learn how to love and worship God. These are timeless activities, for they are what prevail in the Heaven. While we learn to glorify God from all his creation around us, we also learn to love both God and our fellow men and women by living in communion with other people, and by sharing all the potentials, gifts and God’s boundless blessings with them. On doing these, happiness is inevitable.
The principle that states, “Do to others what you expect them to do to you” is one of the most classical values worth not only knowing, but also respecting. This is the most recognised principle, yet the most ignored. Many people have phrased it differently. A popular saying states, “As you dress your bed, so you lie on it.”
No matter how this philosophy is put, the effect of its application remains the same; that is, if you hurt others, you will surely reap its rewards, especially if the victim of your action does not revenge. The Bible makes it very explicit as it states, “Whatsoever a man sows, that he will also reap.” The longer it takes you to reap, the greater your reward will be. This is why the wicked rarely have peace of mind; though outwardly, they pretend to be happy, but inwardly, they are very miserable.
This leads us to a related law, which states that we should love our neighbours like ourselves. The first question that might be asked is who is our neighbour? Our neighbour is anyone of any race, creed, or social background who is in need. In other words, loving your neighbours like yourself means, helping anyone who is in need, irrespective of your similarity of differences.
Wherever you live, there are needy people around you. Sometimes, your assistance can be negligible, but its effects quite significant. The advantages of respecting this law are two-fold. First, the more help you offer to others, the more you will be blessed and second, it always makes you happier, and it gives you a sense of accomplishment.
Another thing that most people often misunderstand is what I will call here Mr. PROBLEM. If this man confronts you, how do you receive him? Do you receive him as an enemy or as a friend? Personally, I always receive him not only as a friend, but also as a good one. In fact, he has been visiting me regularly.
Why do I welcome him as a good friend? It is because I realise that problems come to open new doors for me. The same also applies to you. After an encounter with Mr. PROBLEM, you will never be the same. He always comes to give you more experience, making you stronger morally and mentally, and he comes to give you more wisdom. Honestly speaking, problems can never occur without opportunities accompanying him for you to benefit from. Again, irrespective of how he comes, he does so to prepare you for the future.
Why not follow the golden advice of Oliver Wendell Holmes, who stated as follows, “If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. The trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I do not embrace trouble: that is as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you’ll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it.”
Why should I be in terms with problems? You may ask. The reason is that, God has a purpose for all problems—every problem has spiritual signification. Sometimes, he uses them to draw us closer to himself, because desperation due to them, forces us to be dependent on him. This is to our own good; for, Romans 8:28 tells us that, “And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans.” King James Version puts it differently, it says, “Everything works for the good for those who love God.”
It is worth realising that all problems bring with it, character-building opportunity, and the more serious the crisis, the greater the potential for strengthening us spiritually. Paul confirms this as he writes in Romans 5:3 – 4, it states, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to be patient. And patient develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady.”
I believe this was what happened because of my separation with my ex-wife Charity. She left with my two boys, with her lover in January 1996. At the end of the same month, I lost my job. Two months later, she came and destroyed all my cloths, including shoes, ties, belts, et cetera. Then, I felt as if it was the end of the world, especially, the sudden disappearance of my children in my live. My only comfort was that, I understood that nothing is eternal, except God, and that He was with me. God used that circumstance to strengthen me mentally and spiritually, thereby, drawing me closer to him. Since then, I have been privileged to meet and advice many people who are passing through separation and divorce; consequently, I am writing about it.
I wish to point out here that, predicaments do not automatically produce God’s intention for us, except if we respond positively to them, instead of bitterly; else, we will never grow through them.
Now you may wonder how you could respond to problems positively. The answer lies in your attitude, and the best one to have towards problems is to thank God for it as the Bible advices “No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” You have to be thankful to God because first, he trusts you and know that you can handle the situation successfully. Second, character refinement through predicaments is the ultimate preparation for eternity.
All these could be summed up to the fact that, problems or difficulties that you encounter, help develop your patience—which in turn will strengthen your character, deepen your trust in God, and give you greater confidence about the future.
However, it is important to point out that, what has just been written so far about problems or difficulties should not be used as an excuse for swimming in them. For so doing is to waste resources—such as time, energy, and money. Besides, it can delay the attainment of your desired success.
The good news is that, most problems are avoidable, as either ignorance or negligence often causes them. In other words, being more careful in everything you do, and depending on God could eliminate most of our encounters with Mr. Problem.
It is quite true that you will see lots of it as long as you live. For it is impossible to live without problems, difficulties, or obstacles. This is because character development is a slow and continues process, and since problems are to help refine our character, they have to be an integral part of our life; more so, as our character development only ends the day we answer the nature’s ultimate call.
Besides, without problems, life would be very boring, and we would be living like animals as all our possessions—the house we are living in, our cars, the food we eat, even the cloths we put on, came about because of people trying to solve their daily problems.
This brings us to another unfathomable reality about life. It is the fact that when things happen to our loved ones, or us we often ask the question why me or us? What we fail to comprehend is that, it is impossible for us to know everything or all the reasons that things occur to us. In other words, we can never understand all the reasons, and how God does everything. He does not reveal everything to us, because of the followings: our finite minds cannot understand some of the infinite aspects of God’s universe, some things are not necessary for us to know, and finally, since God is infinite and all-knowing, it is simply impossible for us—infinite minds, to know everything he does.
As you are preparing your mind for success, there are some other things worth noting, and here they are referred to as the “Triplet”. If you want success, you must watch them very carefully, as their effect is as dangerous to the mind as the nuclear bomb is to the human race. They deserve their name because the three are always together. They are: indecision, doubt and fear.
Indecision is the seedling of fear. It crystallises into doubt, and the two blend and become fear. These three would be fully treated later, and you would be advised on how to eliminate them, for when they are present, it is impossible to achieve success, no matter how hard you may work.
I which to bring to your notice, a natural phenomenon, which is the most fundamental principles of life that many rarely think about, yet it is very real in our daily lives. It is very real right from our birth, and will ever remain so until our death—even until the end of the world. This principle is called “Change.” Change takes place independent of our desire.
Change is all around us. While some changes come about gradually, others happen more rapidly. There is nothing in the world that this phenomenon does not affect. Some changes are anticipated and welcome, other are unexpected and even frightening. However and whenever they come, they have to be confronted, for they are unavoidable.
In relation to success, change is a double-edged sword. It can bring success if it is anticipated, planned for, and on arriving, it is analysed and the opportunities that accompany it are exploited to one’s best advantage. Surely, many changes cannot be anticipated—example September 11th. An example of unanticipated change is the one brought about by natural disasters, such as the tsunami of the 26 December 2005 in Southeast Asia, where thousands of people lost their live, and properties of billions of Euros destroyed. Another example is that of a cyclone such as cyclone Katrina of August 2006 that devastated and killed hundreds of people in New Orleans, Louisiana, and Mississippi, in the southern part of the United States. Therefore, the issue is to be flexible and responsive to change. Conversely, if it is not anticipated and planned for, its arrival could be followed by shock, desperation, and confusion of both thought and action. In the presence of any of the just-mentioned, success has only one reaction—it disappears.
The question that could be asked is, what about devastating unexpected changes, how could one handle it? First, God has prepared us adequately for whatever will happen to us, as nothing happens by accident. Hence, you need to lean on him to give you the strength, courage, and the wisdom to handle the situation creatively. Furthermore, through our family, friends and associates, and neighbours’ assistance, we could successfully pass through the situation. Their assistance might be morally, spiritually, or even materially.
When talking about « Change », there is what Psychologists call the theory of paradoxical change. It states that, grumbling holds back progress, but acceptance of the situation facilitates change. Quite often, one cannot find a solution to his of her problem without accepting its existence.
Now, there is another important point that I must bring to your notice, for it is the root of happiness and misery, failure and success, and it brings about most of the things that happen to you. Even if you forget every other point, do not forget this. Quite often, whatever you believe is what happens to you, especially, if you allow it to dominate your thought.
If you believe that God created you to be a winner, that you were born to be successful, and if you believe that everybody and everything are there to help you to realise your dreams, nothing in this world will ever stand between you and success. Conversely, if you are a paranoid, the opposite is also very true.
How does this work? It is simple. Whatever you believe creeps into your thought, and as your thought is the offspring of your subconscious mind, it is nurtured by it, until your thought becomes a reality. The realisation of the offspring of your thoughts may or may not take time, depending on certain factors, which would be explained later.
What I term as belief factor, is very important and directly connected to the achievement of success, because our belief is the offspring of our values. The former influences all our behaviours; consequently, it has the tendency of transforming everything about us, including our circumstances. I believe, this was the reason Christ laid so much emphasis on the word belief, in his teachings, because his teachings were based on one main principle, transformation—transformation of our character to reflect that of his father.
What is the foundation of your belief? The ultimate source of the belief that is liberating—the one that will give you joy and happiness is the one that is rooted in God through the death on the cross of his only son Jesus Christ. Any other source of belief is enslaving, and it always bring along anxiety, frustration and desperation.
The next fact that is very necessary to be understood is that, humanity can perform all kinds of technological wonders. He can find stars invisible to the naked eyes, he has visited space, and is even trying now to make it a tourist destination, and he can store volumes of information on microscopic chips. Nevertheless, even the most intelligent scientists in the world, on their own, cannot discover or understand the meaning of life.
This mystery of life does not only concern the scientific world, for sometimes people also look to philosophers and other leaders or group of leaders to solve this equation of life, by giving them the direction for living. Irrespective of who ventures to solve this equation, the result is always the same. That is, human beings are unable to produce enough knowledge or insight to explain the totality of human experience—the ultimate interpretation of life, of whom we are, and where we are going, is absolutely beyond human understanding.
However, a tiny proportion of this equation can be solved. The ability to solve it lies outside human intelligence or understanding. It lies in discovering that wisdom is the only ladder to perceiving the meaning of life. How can this wisdom be obtained? You may ask. It can be found through its source and Creator, which is God, and this is by realising that the true wisdom is seeking God’s perspective of life. As the Creator of life, he is the only one who knows what is best for his creation. Hence, it is fruitless for human beings to try to become wise merely through their own observations and efforts, because as Inventor sees the purpose of his or her invention, God alone sees the greater purpose for his world—his creation.
Furthermore, there is a hidden fact that many are yet to discover; it is a double-sided phenomenon, and your ability to succeed in life depends on how you could balance the two sides. This fact is a basic economic principle—input-output or import-export dichotomy. Regrettably, we seldom apply this principle to our daily life.
What exactly is this fact, and how does it relates to our subject matter—success? This is what I shall call the principle of continuity, and it states that, during your existence on earth, exploit your potentials and all the resources around you as much as necessary, and before leaving, contribute as much as possible to the world, and its future generations. The most important fact is not what you will take when you will be gone, because you will take almost nothing, but what you will leave behind.
The easiest illustration of this principle is in the production establishments. A manufacturing company acquires its necessary raw materials, processes it, and then supplies its output to the consumers (the society). Its ability to stay in business is directly dependent on its input – output ratio; the more the output surpasses the input, the more profitable the business. In other words, the more the revenue exceeds the expenditure, the better the economic health of the company.
This is also applicable to our existence in this world—the more we exploit the resources that our Creator has put in our disposal, and then contribute to the continuity of our world, the more successful we are.
As we are three-dimensional being—mind, body, and the spirit, contributing to our world in at least one of these areas, is the best we can do for ourselves. The fulfilment of this principle will inevitably give you the feeling of accomplishment, because it is one of your missions here on earth. You should ask yourself this important question: if you were to die today, what legacy would you leave behind? Are you taking more than you are giving into the world?
Very regrettably, most people are taking as much as they can, without not only planning to leave anything to our successors, but also even trying to destroy what they came to see. This is the issue of the environment, where many in our generation are directly, or indirectly destroying our environment, with all types of pollutions, and global warming intensifying actions, without thinking of the future generations. Despite the out-cry from most of the members of the scientific community, many decision makers, who have the power to positively influence decisions that could contribute to leaving a better environment to our future generations, are turning a blind hear.
Now, I think you have already been well prepared for the life-changing pilgrimage, for I have pointed out few laws that can bring success. I am leaving the rest for you to discover for yourself. Remember, there is no obstacle between you and success, but yourself.
N/B: THIS ARTICLE REMAINS THE PROPERTY OF ITS AURTHOR
The author also has an inspiration book entitled, "In search of Success", which is yet to be published.
Og Mandino’s
The Greatest Success in the World
Have you ever spent some time pondering over the existence and the functioning of everything around you, including human beings? If you have, what have been your conclusions? If you have not, I suggest that you take a minute or two and do a little fact-finding exercise. Wherever you are now, I suggest that you just look around you and observe very carefully all that you can see, including the sky.
If I say that you have seen hundreds of things within a few minutes, I do not think that would be an exaggeration. Now if I may ask, what do you think all of them have in common? This may seem to be an odd question, but it is worth reflecting upon, for it is important to our existence, as they have at least one thing in common. The sun, the air you are breathing right now, your electronic appliances, the electricity which you use almost every minute of your life, the car you are driving, your pets, flowers and plants, even your very person—I mean everything under the Universe—all have one thing in common. That is, Laws entirely governs their existence and functioning.
In other words, you are living in a world that is entirely governed by laws. Whether you realise it or not, whatever happens to you is as a result of either an abuse or ignorance of one or some of these laws or as a result of their application. Therefore, certain laws also govern success, as it is one of the world’s phenomena
If you yearn for success, it is necessary that you know and obey its laws and principles, at least the basic ones. Even when you achieve it, you still have to obey it laws, else instead of giving you an avalanche of joy and happiness, it is likely to leave behind just the opposite.
After this discovery, there are two questions that worth asking. What is your meaning of life? Moreover, what do you think is the reason for your being here on earth? Do you think you are here on earth by an accident? These questions are very important, and they deserve pondering upon, for your success depends on your answers. Your inability to answer them correctly is just like a student who studies physics for a history examination. I leave you to imagine what the outcome would be.
These questions have puzzled innumerable prominent philosophers for thousands of years. While many of them have thrown inn their towels, others have been coming up with implausible guesses. The research that Dr. Hugh Moorhead, a philosophy professor at North-eastern Illinois University confirms this difficulty of finding the meaning of life. He wrote to 250 very prominent philosophers, scientists, writers, and other intellectuals worldwide, asking them, what they think the meaning of life is, and then published their answers in a book. While some gave guessed answers, others admitted that they just created a purpose for their life, and the rest admitted that they had no idea whatever.
The universal opinion about life is that, it is all about our personality, our vocation, what we eat or drink, what we do for our leisure time, etc. Most people believe that if they can earn a lot of money, have expensive dresses, eat whatever they wish; live an exorbitant life, then they assume that they are having a wonderful life. All these satisfy only man’s appetites, and not their deepest longings—this is the one of the reasons most very well to do people have the feeling of emptiness, and dissatisfaction.
Real life comes from total commitment to God—the Creator of life. Total commitment to God requires discipline, sacrifice, and hard work, and that is why most people never find or have a successful life. At first, it may not seem to be as much fun as the popular way of living, but gradually, as our relationship with God deepens, it strengthens our character, and gives birth to peace of mind, and profound satisfaction. The long-term rewards of obeying God are unimaginable.
The answer to the second question is that, we are here on earth to be prepared for eternity. We were brought here to love, and fellowship with one other and to learn how to love and worship God. These are timeless activities, for they are what prevail in the Heaven. While we learn to glorify God from all his creation around us, we also learn to love both God and our fellow men and women by living in communion with other people, and by sharing all the potentials, gifts and God’s boundless blessings with them. On doing these, happiness is inevitable.
The principle that states, “Do to others what you expect them to do to you” is one of the most classical values worth not only knowing, but also respecting. This is the most recognised principle, yet the most ignored. Many people have phrased it differently. A popular saying states, “As you dress your bed, so you lie on it.”
No matter how this philosophy is put, the effect of its application remains the same; that is, if you hurt others, you will surely reap its rewards, especially if the victim of your action does not revenge. The Bible makes it very explicit as it states, “Whatsoever a man sows, that he will also reap.” The longer it takes you to reap, the greater your reward will be. This is why the wicked rarely have peace of mind; though outwardly, they pretend to be happy, but inwardly, they are very miserable.
This leads us to a related law, which states that we should love our neighbours like ourselves. The first question that might be asked is who is our neighbour? Our neighbour is anyone of any race, creed, or social background who is in need. In other words, loving your neighbours like yourself means, helping anyone who is in need, irrespective of your similarity of differences.
Wherever you live, there are needy people around you. Sometimes, your assistance can be negligible, but its effects quite significant. The advantages of respecting this law are two-fold. First, the more help you offer to others, the more you will be blessed and second, it always makes you happier, and it gives you a sense of accomplishment.
Another thing that most people often misunderstand is what I will call here Mr. PROBLEM. If this man confronts you, how do you receive him? Do you receive him as an enemy or as a friend? Personally, I always receive him not only as a friend, but also as a good one. In fact, he has been visiting me regularly.
Why do I welcome him as a good friend? It is because I realise that problems come to open new doors for me. The same also applies to you. After an encounter with Mr. PROBLEM, you will never be the same. He always comes to give you more experience, making you stronger morally and mentally, and he comes to give you more wisdom. Honestly speaking, problems can never occur without opportunities accompanying him for you to benefit from. Again, irrespective of how he comes, he does so to prepare you for the future.
Why not follow the golden advice of Oliver Wendell Holmes, who stated as follows, “If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. The trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I do not embrace trouble: that is as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you’ll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it.”
Why should I be in terms with problems? You may ask. The reason is that, God has a purpose for all problems—every problem has spiritual signification. Sometimes, he uses them to draw us closer to himself, because desperation due to them, forces us to be dependent on him. This is to our own good; for, Romans 8:28 tells us that, “And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans.” King James Version puts it differently, it says, “Everything works for the good for those who love God.”
It is worth realising that all problems bring with it, character-building opportunity, and the more serious the crisis, the greater the potential for strengthening us spiritually. Paul confirms this as he writes in Romans 5:3 – 4, it states, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to be patient. And patient develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady.”
I believe this was what happened because of my separation with my ex-wife Charity. She left with my two boys, with her lover in January 1996. At the end of the same month, I lost my job. Two months later, she came and destroyed all my cloths, including shoes, ties, belts, et cetera. Then, I felt as if it was the end of the world, especially, the sudden disappearance of my children in my live. My only comfort was that, I understood that nothing is eternal, except God, and that He was with me. God used that circumstance to strengthen me mentally and spiritually, thereby, drawing me closer to him. Since then, I have been privileged to meet and advice many people who are passing through separation and divorce; consequently, I am writing about it.
I wish to point out here that, predicaments do not automatically produce God’s intention for us, except if we respond positively to them, instead of bitterly; else, we will never grow through them.
Now you may wonder how you could respond to problems positively. The answer lies in your attitude, and the best one to have towards problems is to thank God for it as the Bible advices “No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” You have to be thankful to God because first, he trusts you and know that you can handle the situation successfully. Second, character refinement through predicaments is the ultimate preparation for eternity.
All these could be summed up to the fact that, problems or difficulties that you encounter, help develop your patience—which in turn will strengthen your character, deepen your trust in God, and give you greater confidence about the future.
However, it is important to point out that, what has just been written so far about problems or difficulties should not be used as an excuse for swimming in them. For so doing is to waste resources—such as time, energy, and money. Besides, it can delay the attainment of your desired success.
The good news is that, most problems are avoidable, as either ignorance or negligence often causes them. In other words, being more careful in everything you do, and depending on God could eliminate most of our encounters with Mr. Problem.
It is quite true that you will see lots of it as long as you live. For it is impossible to live without problems, difficulties, or obstacles. This is because character development is a slow and continues process, and since problems are to help refine our character, they have to be an integral part of our life; more so, as our character development only ends the day we answer the nature’s ultimate call.
Besides, without problems, life would be very boring, and we would be living like animals as all our possessions—the house we are living in, our cars, the food we eat, even the cloths we put on, came about because of people trying to solve their daily problems.
This brings us to another unfathomable reality about life. It is the fact that when things happen to our loved ones, or us we often ask the question why me or us? What we fail to comprehend is that, it is impossible for us to know everything or all the reasons that things occur to us. In other words, we can never understand all the reasons, and how God does everything. He does not reveal everything to us, because of the followings: our finite minds cannot understand some of the infinite aspects of God’s universe, some things are not necessary for us to know, and finally, since God is infinite and all-knowing, it is simply impossible for us—infinite minds, to know everything he does.
As you are preparing your mind for success, there are some other things worth noting, and here they are referred to as the “Triplet”. If you want success, you must watch them very carefully, as their effect is as dangerous to the mind as the nuclear bomb is to the human race. They deserve their name because the three are always together. They are: indecision, doubt and fear.
Indecision is the seedling of fear. It crystallises into doubt, and the two blend and become fear. These three would be fully treated later, and you would be advised on how to eliminate them, for when they are present, it is impossible to achieve success, no matter how hard you may work.
I which to bring to your notice, a natural phenomenon, which is the most fundamental principles of life that many rarely think about, yet it is very real in our daily lives. It is very real right from our birth, and will ever remain so until our death—even until the end of the world. This principle is called “Change.” Change takes place independent of our desire.
Change is all around us. While some changes come about gradually, others happen more rapidly. There is nothing in the world that this phenomenon does not affect. Some changes are anticipated and welcome, other are unexpected and even frightening. However and whenever they come, they have to be confronted, for they are unavoidable.
In relation to success, change is a double-edged sword. It can bring success if it is anticipated, planned for, and on arriving, it is analysed and the opportunities that accompany it are exploited to one’s best advantage. Surely, many changes cannot be anticipated—example September 11th. An example of unanticipated change is the one brought about by natural disasters, such as the tsunami of the 26 December 2005 in Southeast Asia, where thousands of people lost their live, and properties of billions of Euros destroyed. Another example is that of a cyclone such as cyclone Katrina of August 2006 that devastated and killed hundreds of people in New Orleans, Louisiana, and Mississippi, in the southern part of the United States. Therefore, the issue is to be flexible and responsive to change. Conversely, if it is not anticipated and planned for, its arrival could be followed by shock, desperation, and confusion of both thought and action. In the presence of any of the just-mentioned, success has only one reaction—it disappears.
The question that could be asked is, what about devastating unexpected changes, how could one handle it? First, God has prepared us adequately for whatever will happen to us, as nothing happens by accident. Hence, you need to lean on him to give you the strength, courage, and the wisdom to handle the situation creatively. Furthermore, through our family, friends and associates, and neighbours’ assistance, we could successfully pass through the situation. Their assistance might be morally, spiritually, or even materially.
When talking about « Change », there is what Psychologists call the theory of paradoxical change. It states that, grumbling holds back progress, but acceptance of the situation facilitates change. Quite often, one cannot find a solution to his of her problem without accepting its existence.
Now, there is another important point that I must bring to your notice, for it is the root of happiness and misery, failure and success, and it brings about most of the things that happen to you. Even if you forget every other point, do not forget this. Quite often, whatever you believe is what happens to you, especially, if you allow it to dominate your thought.
If you believe that God created you to be a winner, that you were born to be successful, and if you believe that everybody and everything are there to help you to realise your dreams, nothing in this world will ever stand between you and success. Conversely, if you are a paranoid, the opposite is also very true.
How does this work? It is simple. Whatever you believe creeps into your thought, and as your thought is the offspring of your subconscious mind, it is nurtured by it, until your thought becomes a reality. The realisation of the offspring of your thoughts may or may not take time, depending on certain factors, which would be explained later.
What I term as belief factor, is very important and directly connected to the achievement of success, because our belief is the offspring of our values. The former influences all our behaviours; consequently, it has the tendency of transforming everything about us, including our circumstances. I believe, this was the reason Christ laid so much emphasis on the word belief, in his teachings, because his teachings were based on one main principle, transformation—transformation of our character to reflect that of his father.
What is the foundation of your belief? The ultimate source of the belief that is liberating—the one that will give you joy and happiness is the one that is rooted in God through the death on the cross of his only son Jesus Christ. Any other source of belief is enslaving, and it always bring along anxiety, frustration and desperation.
The next fact that is very necessary to be understood is that, humanity can perform all kinds of technological wonders. He can find stars invisible to the naked eyes, he has visited space, and is even trying now to make it a tourist destination, and he can store volumes of information on microscopic chips. Nevertheless, even the most intelligent scientists in the world, on their own, cannot discover or understand the meaning of life.
This mystery of life does not only concern the scientific world, for sometimes people also look to philosophers and other leaders or group of leaders to solve this equation of life, by giving them the direction for living. Irrespective of who ventures to solve this equation, the result is always the same. That is, human beings are unable to produce enough knowledge or insight to explain the totality of human experience—the ultimate interpretation of life, of whom we are, and where we are going, is absolutely beyond human understanding.
However, a tiny proportion of this equation can be solved. The ability to solve it lies outside human intelligence or understanding. It lies in discovering that wisdom is the only ladder to perceiving the meaning of life. How can this wisdom be obtained? You may ask. It can be found through its source and Creator, which is God, and this is by realising that the true wisdom is seeking God’s perspective of life. As the Creator of life, he is the only one who knows what is best for his creation. Hence, it is fruitless for human beings to try to become wise merely through their own observations and efforts, because as Inventor sees the purpose of his or her invention, God alone sees the greater purpose for his world—his creation.
Furthermore, there is a hidden fact that many are yet to discover; it is a double-sided phenomenon, and your ability to succeed in life depends on how you could balance the two sides. This fact is a basic economic principle—input-output or import-export dichotomy. Regrettably, we seldom apply this principle to our daily life.
What exactly is this fact, and how does it relates to our subject matter—success? This is what I shall call the principle of continuity, and it states that, during your existence on earth, exploit your potentials and all the resources around you as much as necessary, and before leaving, contribute as much as possible to the world, and its future generations. The most important fact is not what you will take when you will be gone, because you will take almost nothing, but what you will leave behind.
The easiest illustration of this principle is in the production establishments. A manufacturing company acquires its necessary raw materials, processes it, and then supplies its output to the consumers (the society). Its ability to stay in business is directly dependent on its input – output ratio; the more the output surpasses the input, the more profitable the business. In other words, the more the revenue exceeds the expenditure, the better the economic health of the company.
This is also applicable to our existence in this world—the more we exploit the resources that our Creator has put in our disposal, and then contribute to the continuity of our world, the more successful we are.
As we are three-dimensional being—mind, body, and the spirit, contributing to our world in at least one of these areas, is the best we can do for ourselves. The fulfilment of this principle will inevitably give you the feeling of accomplishment, because it is one of your missions here on earth. You should ask yourself this important question: if you were to die today, what legacy would you leave behind? Are you taking more than you are giving into the world?
Very regrettably, most people are taking as much as they can, without not only planning to leave anything to our successors, but also even trying to destroy what they came to see. This is the issue of the environment, where many in our generation are directly, or indirectly destroying our environment, with all types of pollutions, and global warming intensifying actions, without thinking of the future generations. Despite the out-cry from most of the members of the scientific community, many decision makers, who have the power to positively influence decisions that could contribute to leaving a better environment to our future generations, are turning a blind hear.
Now, I think you have already been well prepared for the life-changing pilgrimage, for I have pointed out few laws that can bring success. I am leaving the rest for you to discover for yourself. Remember, there is no obstacle between you and success, but yourself.
N/B: THIS ARTICLE REMAINS THE PROPERTY OF ITS AURTHOR
The author also has an inspiration book entitled, "In search of Success", which is yet to be published.
Living Through Separation
Humans are by nature not a solitary but a social creature. Our social nature makes us happier when we are in others' company, and less so when confined in solitude. However, there are certain occasions, or situations when we intentionally prefer to isolate ourselves from others. While some isolation can awaken our creativity, others can do just the opposite; depending on one's ability to manage the situation.
Throughout history, many great achievers from various fields tapped their hidden potentials while in solitude. I am yet to see or learn about a great man or woman who has not realised the importance of solitude to the achievement of success. Even Jesus Christ, with his divine nature, realised this fact, which was the reason he often withdrew from everybody including his disciples before facing difficult situations such as Satan's temptations in the wilderness, and his arrest and his subsequent crucifixion.
All self-imposed solitudes do not arouse creativeness, because it is not all self-isolated people that recognise the importance, and can exploit the enormous potential of this element, to their benefit; even some of those who understand its importance, might not have the burning desire, and the discipline it requires to exploit it to their advantage.
Thus, quite often, isolation is very destructive instead of the contrary, especially when negative emotions such as: fear, jealousy, hatred, bitterness, revenge, greed, superstition, anger, bitterness and self-blame or regret, frustration, and suspicion surround it.
Before going further, it is worth stating what 'Separation' here means. The subject of this article refers to parting between two lovers, either by divorce, in friendship or courting. It also concerns separation by the death of a loved, or a closed one.
We're living in an era where separation is seen as the normal way of life. Many people even believe that when there is a storm in a relationship, it is better to leave instead of finding ways to remedy the situation. Hence, either we have in one time or the other experience this problem, or encounter those that are going through it, of have gone through. Nobody is immune form separation from a loved one. What is the connection between isolation and the subject of this article, "Living Through Separation", you may wonder. The two relate because isolation is one of the most common defence devices that people that are going through separation often resort to. They usually isolate themselves from their relatives, neighbours, friends, and associates. Their solitary attitude could be attributed principally to fear. They are often afraid of what people will say or think about their negative emotions, because they assume that people will never understand their feelings from their perspective.
Also they are often afr aid that people will blame them for the collapse of their relationship. If you are passing through this unfortunate period, and your intention is to live through it successfully within the shortest time possible, isolation is the least attitude that you need. Alternatively, all that you need most is the profound comprehension of the facts governing your present experience, and the best ammunitions to employ to combat the negative emotions successfully. A. BASIC FACTS GOVERNING THE PERIOD OF SEPARATIONFirst, separation is a life-changing phenomenon. Once it occurs, your life will change completely. It will change either positively or negatively, depending on how you handle the situation. Regardless of all the good intentions and efforts of your closed ones, if you consciously or unconsciously refuse to sum-up yourself to create happiness for yourself as soon as possible, all their efforts to help you would be fruitless.
Creatively managed separation is a life transforming experience, for it will awaken your latent potential. Separation will definitely bring about life's enriching, learning experience, and personal growth. It is important to underline here that, no matter how it happens, you will never be the same, as it will make you stronger psychologically, and sometimes, spiritually too, and it will make you wiser.
Third, separation as both learning and a self-awakening process could enable you to understand yourself better; although sometimes the process could be very painful. No matter how painful it might be, it always has a silver lining, for it will enable you to realise both your strengths and weaknesses, provided, at a given time, you analyse the situation profoundly. Doing so enables you to uncover your mistakes, and also to realise that some of your predicaments may have been self-inflicted. Thus, it will be possible for you to make the necessary corrections or adjustments in your subsequent relationship, or relationships.
Fourth, having negative emotions during the process of separation is quite normal, desirable, and even a healthy experience. Negative emotions such as anger and bitterness, frustration, self-blame or the feeling of guilt and fear are parts of grief's healing process. However, they only become very destructive if you allow them to dominate your thoughts, and harbouring them for a very long time. In order words, the more you master them, and get rid of them as quickly as possible, the easier and sooner you would pass through the agony successful.
Furthermore, even if you were the cause of the collapse of your relationship, living forever with that guilt can be very detrimental to both your health and to your chances of overcoming the situation successfully. One of the easiest and direct remedies to the feeling of guilt, which could be the best thing you can do for yourself, is to look for a person that you can trust, who is very understanding, affectionate, and should have great patience, a good listener, and should be capable of encouraging you to talk freely. Consequently, you will be relieved of the heaviness in your mind; thereby getting over the negative emotions easily and quicker. Later, the person should remind you of all your strengths, and the reasons why you should not allow your guilty feeling to enslave you.
Besides, allowing guilt to engulf you is an indication of your inability to recognise the fact that no matter how intelligent and wise one may seem, he or she is not immune from making mistakes. Life of absolute perfection is not human, but supernatural, and nobody is a superhuman. All that counts most is your ability to accept your mistakes, correct them when necessary, and learn from them, and move on with your life.
Again, it is baseless and unhelpful to be suspicious of everybody around you when grieving separation. It is baseless because among those around you, there are certainly those who really love and care for you. So it is advisable to find them out, lean on them, and trust them to help you retrieve both happiness and an inspiration, to victoriously overcome your difficult situation.
Human nature impels us to directly or indirectly seek comfort and support from others when we are confronting huddles of life. Under normal circumstances, people like to help those who are open to them, and would be receptive to their kindness. Suspicion does not only repel people, it also wounds their feelings towards us, thereby making it difficult, and if not impossible for them to help us when we need their help. B. HANDLING ANGER AND BITTERNESSAnger and bitterness as effects of separation is an indication of your protest against your sad and lamentable experience. It is a normal, and a necessary ingredient to the healing of your grief.
The first method of handling your anger is to talk about it as many times as possible. This requires identifying a relative, neighbour, friend, or associate whom you love and admire, who can understand and respect your feeling, and encourage you to offload your bitterness by having the patience to listen to you.
The second strategy is the easiest, and one of the most effective, yet usually ignored. It entails putting all the reasons for your anger and bitterness into black and white. Whenever any negative feelings spring up, all you need to do is to pick up a pen and a paper, and write a letter as if you are writing-pouring your heart out to your ex-partner. Feel free to state all the reasons for your anger, and how it has affected you. Doing this as many times as possible, and tearing or burning them afterwards, is you so wish, will relief you tremendously.
How do you feel whenever you are offended and you burst out before your offender, pouring out all your anger to that person? I guess that after your outburst, you are usually relieved and more relaxed. That is exactly how you will feel after writing your letter of annoyance, for you will have the sentiment of having talked directly to your ex-partner.
Another method is the one that most Therapists often use. It is known as, "Beating the pillow". It is quite simple. It consists of locking yourself in your bedroom, talking to your pillow-pouring out all your anger and bitterness on it, and beating it as if your pillow is your ex-partner. Feel free to shade tears if it comes, and continue this process as long as necessary. After the episode, you will certainly feel much better.
However, the ultimate solution to anger, and bitterness, regardless of its cause is prayer-praying to the Almighty God, asking him to take away all your anger and bitterness, and then give you peace of mind. Perhaps you have never prayed, probably because you are not a Believer. But that does not matter at all, because your Creator loves and cares very much for you, irrespective of whom you are, and he is everywhere, always listening to you. If you do not know how to pray, simply praying using the following statement, believing with all your heart that God will definitely grant your request will surely make a difference. "Please God my Heavenly father, Creator of Heaven and Earth and all therein, I ask you to forgive all my sins.
From today, I accept your son Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, and I invite him into my life. I pray that you fill me with you Holy Spirit. I humbly ask you to take away all my anger and bitterness, and replace it with joy and happiness that comes from you. I pray that you give me the strength, wisdom, and all that I need, so that I can pass through this situation successful, for your name to be glorified. In Jesus mighty name I pray. Amen!" The easiest prayer is talking to God as if he is your earthly father, and he is just beside you. Feel very free to pour out all your agony to him. He is actually beside you, and listening to you, and will definitely respond to your lamentation.C. HANDLING GUILT AND SELF-BLAMEWhen relationships end, people often blame themselves for the failure. While some guilt may be genuine; others are baseless. Your guilt is genuine if you had knowingly or unknowingly contributed to your separation. If the contrary is the case, then yours is unrealistic. A lot has been written already about this subject; here our attention would be focused on other ways of overcoming this poisonous feeling.
Quite often, when we hurt somebody, even if the victim of our action has forgiven us, we sometimes find it difficulty to forgive ourselves. This can sometimes apply when we hurt ourselves. Naturally, all the inflicted wounds cannot heal while we are still torturing ourselves with guilt and self-blame. Most unfortunately, an inability to forgive-either others or ourselves can be very detrimental to the realisation of our dreams and aspirations, because lack of forgiveness brings about hatred, and the latter gives rise to negative thoughts, which is one of the negative emotions, which obstructs imagination. Thus, aspirations and creativity will fly away beyond grasp.
Forgiveness involves both attitude and action. If you find it difficult to forgive yourself, just recall that you are just human, and are subject to making mistakes. Each time you commit an error, if you are to live with that guilt, it means, you only will live to think about guilt and self-blame.
The easiest strategy to apply to forgive yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings is to talk to yourself. When somebody offends you and you wish to reconcile, what do you normally do? I guess you usually create room for a dialogue with that person. Do the same with yourself; state clearly the reasons why you have to forgive yourself. You can even speak audibly. On doing this regularly, you will be very astonished to realise how relieved you will feel.
The second principle for handling guilt is to listen and heed to the advice of your loved ones whose opinions you cherish. Usually, their advice and actions would be based on their sincere love for you. In order words, their attitudes would be for your well-being.
The third technique has been mentioned already but deserves repeating here. It is for you to recognise the existence of human limitations. Whether you accept it or not, irrespective of how intelligent and wise you may be, you are never, and will never be perfect in all your words and actions. Hence, you are bound to be making mistakes. The most important thing is that, each time it occurs, you have to analyse it, correct it if possible, and look forward to the future.D. FOCUS ON THE BAD MEMORIESOne of the main reasons people are devastated during separation is because they often re-picture all the wonderful moments together, and are afraid that such opportunities will never come their way again. Is this fear usually realistic? Fortunately, the answer is no, for what awaits them in the future might even be better than that of the past.
The second question that is rarely asked is, in our relationships, do we only have fantastic times? Like the first question, the answer is no because sometimes, the black moments might have been very dark-some, very dark indeed. Quite often, the negative moments-though in some relationships appears less frequently than the good ones, but when surfaced, are very distressful.
Consequently, during separation-separations that are beyond retrieval, if people can pause a second, instead of concentrating their energy to remember the good times, they ponder over the bad moments, the situation would be less heartbreaking. I know that many people would disagree with me, for they will think that it would worsen the situation. I do not share their opinion because thinking of the bad moments, and seeing the separation as a liberating opportunity-in some cases they are, will surely give the feeling of relief and optimism. Hence, instead of fear, anger and bitterness, there will be the feeling of liberation and that of hope for the future. E. IMPORTANCE OF SELF-CARING ACTIVITIESAs previously stated, among other things, self-isolation and neglect generally characterised the period of separation. Very regrettably, this can intensify our negative feelings about the dilemma, prolong the period of suffering, and worsen the effects of the predicament. Conversely, the yoke of the torment of separation can be broken if the opposite attitude is adopted. In the deplorable circumstance that might confront us, which is not always easy, with determination, it is quite possible to overcome the trauma of this phenomenon, if the importance of the self-caring activities is realised. Below are some of the self-caring activities. 1. The company of good, sensitive, and caring friends-with their discussions and advises, you can be comforted and thereby be relieved from the negative emotions.2. Joining a group that relates to your passion could be relaxing; consequently, relieve you of your distress. 3. Join divorce's group, if there is one in your neighbourhood, because listening to others' experiences could make you to see things differently. You might even realise that your situation is better than most others. This discovery can give you a great relief. Besides, some advises given by the group could be priceless.4. If you are a Christian, attending church's services regularly and participating in church's activities can be very advantageous, because you are likely to meet somebody who will take interest in you and in your problem, or somebody who have gone through your experience. With his or her advice and concern, you will realise that, there is somebody who cares for you. This has a tremendous positive effect on your emotion. Among other things, church fellowship is to support each member, providing moral, material, and spiritual help whenever necessary. 5. During separation, with anger and bitterness, guilt and self-blame, frustration, fear, and other consequences mentioned previously, a lot of energy is consumed. The replenishing of this lost energy is very necessary. Hence, it is important for you to recognise that eating food of high nutritional values will enable you to achieve this objective, thereby making you to feel better. Conversely, inadequate or improper nourishment can intensify your emotional stress. Quite often, people undergoing separation lost appetite. If this is your case, just force yourself to eat, and eat well. F. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGSBirds sing of the glory, faithfulness, and the greatness of God. Ocean Flowers smile, expressing their joy and excitement for God's majesty and limitless love. All creatures-both great and small, except mankind express God's supremacy and care in one way or the other. Surprisingly, human is the only creature whose focus is directed only to their negative perspective.Generally, more than ninety per cent of our daily needs are granted. Very astonishingly, we often ignore this, but concentrate our thoughts and emotions on less than ten per cent that we lack. Does this not indicate our ungratefulness to God? I think it does; for, considering all that God has done for us, we suppose to always be happy and grateful for his generosity.
This also applies to your present condition. As much as I acknowledge the importance of a successful relationship to your life, I equally believe that there are other spheres of your life that God has blessed you enormously. These areas among others include: your children, your loved ones, your career, your daily needs, and most importantly, your health.
Do you realise that as you are reading these lines, there are hundreds of thousands of people in your country who are struggling with serious sicknesses, if not death? There is equally innumerable number of people who are anxiously praying for just some of the things that God has blessed you with. Do you think that you are better than them? If your answer is yes, I doubt that very much, except if you can say what you have done to deserve it.
All that you have, or are, God graciously give them to you, or make you who you are. As you are encountering this difficult period, or any other, just purse a second and think of everything that God has graciously blessed you with. Do not forget that, as long as there is life, there is always hope. So, before you allow the distress of separation to suppress you, and kill your dreams, just count all your blessings, and your blessing will abound. God bless you! ......................................................This article remains the property of its author.This article is an extract of a chapter from the author's book entitled, "Living Though Separation", which he's yet to find a publisher for its publication.To contact the author: edet.effiom@gmail.com
Throughout history, many great achievers from various fields tapped their hidden potentials while in solitude. I am yet to see or learn about a great man or woman who has not realised the importance of solitude to the achievement of success. Even Jesus Christ, with his divine nature, realised this fact, which was the reason he often withdrew from everybody including his disciples before facing difficult situations such as Satan's temptations in the wilderness, and his arrest and his subsequent crucifixion.
All self-imposed solitudes do not arouse creativeness, because it is not all self-isolated people that recognise the importance, and can exploit the enormous potential of this element, to their benefit; even some of those who understand its importance, might not have the burning desire, and the discipline it requires to exploit it to their advantage.
Thus, quite often, isolation is very destructive instead of the contrary, especially when negative emotions such as: fear, jealousy, hatred, bitterness, revenge, greed, superstition, anger, bitterness and self-blame or regret, frustration, and suspicion surround it.
Before going further, it is worth stating what 'Separation' here means. The subject of this article refers to parting between two lovers, either by divorce, in friendship or courting. It also concerns separation by the death of a loved, or a closed one.
We're living in an era where separation is seen as the normal way of life. Many people even believe that when there is a storm in a relationship, it is better to leave instead of finding ways to remedy the situation. Hence, either we have in one time or the other experience this problem, or encounter those that are going through it, of have gone through. Nobody is immune form separation from a loved one. What is the connection between isolation and the subject of this article, "Living Through Separation", you may wonder. The two relate because isolation is one of the most common defence devices that people that are going through separation often resort to. They usually isolate themselves from their relatives, neighbours, friends, and associates. Their solitary attitude could be attributed principally to fear. They are often afraid of what people will say or think about their negative emotions, because they assume that people will never understand their feelings from their perspective.
Also they are often afr aid that people will blame them for the collapse of their relationship. If you are passing through this unfortunate period, and your intention is to live through it successfully within the shortest time possible, isolation is the least attitude that you need. Alternatively, all that you need most is the profound comprehension of the facts governing your present experience, and the best ammunitions to employ to combat the negative emotions successfully. A. BASIC FACTS GOVERNING THE PERIOD OF SEPARATIONFirst, separation is a life-changing phenomenon. Once it occurs, your life will change completely. It will change either positively or negatively, depending on how you handle the situation. Regardless of all the good intentions and efforts of your closed ones, if you consciously or unconsciously refuse to sum-up yourself to create happiness for yourself as soon as possible, all their efforts to help you would be fruitless.
Creatively managed separation is a life transforming experience, for it will awaken your latent potential. Separation will definitely bring about life's enriching, learning experience, and personal growth. It is important to underline here that, no matter how it happens, you will never be the same, as it will make you stronger psychologically, and sometimes, spiritually too, and it will make you wiser.
Third, separation as both learning and a self-awakening process could enable you to understand yourself better; although sometimes the process could be very painful. No matter how painful it might be, it always has a silver lining, for it will enable you to realise both your strengths and weaknesses, provided, at a given time, you analyse the situation profoundly. Doing so enables you to uncover your mistakes, and also to realise that some of your predicaments may have been self-inflicted. Thus, it will be possible for you to make the necessary corrections or adjustments in your subsequent relationship, or relationships.
Fourth, having negative emotions during the process of separation is quite normal, desirable, and even a healthy experience. Negative emotions such as anger and bitterness, frustration, self-blame or the feeling of guilt and fear are parts of grief's healing process. However, they only become very destructive if you allow them to dominate your thoughts, and harbouring them for a very long time. In order words, the more you master them, and get rid of them as quickly as possible, the easier and sooner you would pass through the agony successful.
Furthermore, even if you were the cause of the collapse of your relationship, living forever with that guilt can be very detrimental to both your health and to your chances of overcoming the situation successfully. One of the easiest and direct remedies to the feeling of guilt, which could be the best thing you can do for yourself, is to look for a person that you can trust, who is very understanding, affectionate, and should have great patience, a good listener, and should be capable of encouraging you to talk freely. Consequently, you will be relieved of the heaviness in your mind; thereby getting over the negative emotions easily and quicker. Later, the person should remind you of all your strengths, and the reasons why you should not allow your guilty feeling to enslave you.
Besides, allowing guilt to engulf you is an indication of your inability to recognise the fact that no matter how intelligent and wise one may seem, he or she is not immune from making mistakes. Life of absolute perfection is not human, but supernatural, and nobody is a superhuman. All that counts most is your ability to accept your mistakes, correct them when necessary, and learn from them, and move on with your life.
Again, it is baseless and unhelpful to be suspicious of everybody around you when grieving separation. It is baseless because among those around you, there are certainly those who really love and care for you. So it is advisable to find them out, lean on them, and trust them to help you retrieve both happiness and an inspiration, to victoriously overcome your difficult situation.
Human nature impels us to directly or indirectly seek comfort and support from others when we are confronting huddles of life. Under normal circumstances, people like to help those who are open to them, and would be receptive to their kindness. Suspicion does not only repel people, it also wounds their feelings towards us, thereby making it difficult, and if not impossible for them to help us when we need their help. B. HANDLING ANGER AND BITTERNESSAnger and bitterness as effects of separation is an indication of your protest against your sad and lamentable experience. It is a normal, and a necessary ingredient to the healing of your grief.
The first method of handling your anger is to talk about it as many times as possible. This requires identifying a relative, neighbour, friend, or associate whom you love and admire, who can understand and respect your feeling, and encourage you to offload your bitterness by having the patience to listen to you.
The second strategy is the easiest, and one of the most effective, yet usually ignored. It entails putting all the reasons for your anger and bitterness into black and white. Whenever any negative feelings spring up, all you need to do is to pick up a pen and a paper, and write a letter as if you are writing-pouring your heart out to your ex-partner. Feel free to state all the reasons for your anger, and how it has affected you. Doing this as many times as possible, and tearing or burning them afterwards, is you so wish, will relief you tremendously.
How do you feel whenever you are offended and you burst out before your offender, pouring out all your anger to that person? I guess that after your outburst, you are usually relieved and more relaxed. That is exactly how you will feel after writing your letter of annoyance, for you will have the sentiment of having talked directly to your ex-partner.
Another method is the one that most Therapists often use. It is known as, "Beating the pillow". It is quite simple. It consists of locking yourself in your bedroom, talking to your pillow-pouring out all your anger and bitterness on it, and beating it as if your pillow is your ex-partner. Feel free to shade tears if it comes, and continue this process as long as necessary. After the episode, you will certainly feel much better.
However, the ultimate solution to anger, and bitterness, regardless of its cause is prayer-praying to the Almighty God, asking him to take away all your anger and bitterness, and then give you peace of mind. Perhaps you have never prayed, probably because you are not a Believer. But that does not matter at all, because your Creator loves and cares very much for you, irrespective of whom you are, and he is everywhere, always listening to you. If you do not know how to pray, simply praying using the following statement, believing with all your heart that God will definitely grant your request will surely make a difference. "Please God my Heavenly father, Creator of Heaven and Earth and all therein, I ask you to forgive all my sins.
From today, I accept your son Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, and I invite him into my life. I pray that you fill me with you Holy Spirit. I humbly ask you to take away all my anger and bitterness, and replace it with joy and happiness that comes from you. I pray that you give me the strength, wisdom, and all that I need, so that I can pass through this situation successful, for your name to be glorified. In Jesus mighty name I pray. Amen!" The easiest prayer is talking to God as if he is your earthly father, and he is just beside you. Feel very free to pour out all your agony to him. He is actually beside you, and listening to you, and will definitely respond to your lamentation.C. HANDLING GUILT AND SELF-BLAMEWhen relationships end, people often blame themselves for the failure. While some guilt may be genuine; others are baseless. Your guilt is genuine if you had knowingly or unknowingly contributed to your separation. If the contrary is the case, then yours is unrealistic. A lot has been written already about this subject; here our attention would be focused on other ways of overcoming this poisonous feeling.
Quite often, when we hurt somebody, even if the victim of our action has forgiven us, we sometimes find it difficulty to forgive ourselves. This can sometimes apply when we hurt ourselves. Naturally, all the inflicted wounds cannot heal while we are still torturing ourselves with guilt and self-blame. Most unfortunately, an inability to forgive-either others or ourselves can be very detrimental to the realisation of our dreams and aspirations, because lack of forgiveness brings about hatred, and the latter gives rise to negative thoughts, which is one of the negative emotions, which obstructs imagination. Thus, aspirations and creativity will fly away beyond grasp.
Forgiveness involves both attitude and action. If you find it difficult to forgive yourself, just recall that you are just human, and are subject to making mistakes. Each time you commit an error, if you are to live with that guilt, it means, you only will live to think about guilt and self-blame.
The easiest strategy to apply to forgive yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings is to talk to yourself. When somebody offends you and you wish to reconcile, what do you normally do? I guess you usually create room for a dialogue with that person. Do the same with yourself; state clearly the reasons why you have to forgive yourself. You can even speak audibly. On doing this regularly, you will be very astonished to realise how relieved you will feel.
The second principle for handling guilt is to listen and heed to the advice of your loved ones whose opinions you cherish. Usually, their advice and actions would be based on their sincere love for you. In order words, their attitudes would be for your well-being.
The third technique has been mentioned already but deserves repeating here. It is for you to recognise the existence of human limitations. Whether you accept it or not, irrespective of how intelligent and wise you may be, you are never, and will never be perfect in all your words and actions. Hence, you are bound to be making mistakes. The most important thing is that, each time it occurs, you have to analyse it, correct it if possible, and look forward to the future.D. FOCUS ON THE BAD MEMORIESOne of the main reasons people are devastated during separation is because they often re-picture all the wonderful moments together, and are afraid that such opportunities will never come their way again. Is this fear usually realistic? Fortunately, the answer is no, for what awaits them in the future might even be better than that of the past.
The second question that is rarely asked is, in our relationships, do we only have fantastic times? Like the first question, the answer is no because sometimes, the black moments might have been very dark-some, very dark indeed. Quite often, the negative moments-though in some relationships appears less frequently than the good ones, but when surfaced, are very distressful.
Consequently, during separation-separations that are beyond retrieval, if people can pause a second, instead of concentrating their energy to remember the good times, they ponder over the bad moments, the situation would be less heartbreaking. I know that many people would disagree with me, for they will think that it would worsen the situation. I do not share their opinion because thinking of the bad moments, and seeing the separation as a liberating opportunity-in some cases they are, will surely give the feeling of relief and optimism. Hence, instead of fear, anger and bitterness, there will be the feeling of liberation and that of hope for the future. E. IMPORTANCE OF SELF-CARING ACTIVITIESAs previously stated, among other things, self-isolation and neglect generally characterised the period of separation. Very regrettably, this can intensify our negative feelings about the dilemma, prolong the period of suffering, and worsen the effects of the predicament. Conversely, the yoke of the torment of separation can be broken if the opposite attitude is adopted. In the deplorable circumstance that might confront us, which is not always easy, with determination, it is quite possible to overcome the trauma of this phenomenon, if the importance of the self-caring activities is realised. Below are some of the self-caring activities. 1. The company of good, sensitive, and caring friends-with their discussions and advises, you can be comforted and thereby be relieved from the negative emotions.2. Joining a group that relates to your passion could be relaxing; consequently, relieve you of your distress. 3. Join divorce's group, if there is one in your neighbourhood, because listening to others' experiences could make you to see things differently. You might even realise that your situation is better than most others. This discovery can give you a great relief. Besides, some advises given by the group could be priceless.4. If you are a Christian, attending church's services regularly and participating in church's activities can be very advantageous, because you are likely to meet somebody who will take interest in you and in your problem, or somebody who have gone through your experience. With his or her advice and concern, you will realise that, there is somebody who cares for you. This has a tremendous positive effect on your emotion. Among other things, church fellowship is to support each member, providing moral, material, and spiritual help whenever necessary. 5. During separation, with anger and bitterness, guilt and self-blame, frustration, fear, and other consequences mentioned previously, a lot of energy is consumed. The replenishing of this lost energy is very necessary. Hence, it is important for you to recognise that eating food of high nutritional values will enable you to achieve this objective, thereby making you to feel better. Conversely, inadequate or improper nourishment can intensify your emotional stress. Quite often, people undergoing separation lost appetite. If this is your case, just force yourself to eat, and eat well. F. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGSBirds sing of the glory, faithfulness, and the greatness of God. Ocean Flowers smile, expressing their joy and excitement for God's majesty and limitless love. All creatures-both great and small, except mankind express God's supremacy and care in one way or the other. Surprisingly, human is the only creature whose focus is directed only to their negative perspective.Generally, more than ninety per cent of our daily needs are granted. Very astonishingly, we often ignore this, but concentrate our thoughts and emotions on less than ten per cent that we lack. Does this not indicate our ungratefulness to God? I think it does; for, considering all that God has done for us, we suppose to always be happy and grateful for his generosity.
This also applies to your present condition. As much as I acknowledge the importance of a successful relationship to your life, I equally believe that there are other spheres of your life that God has blessed you enormously. These areas among others include: your children, your loved ones, your career, your daily needs, and most importantly, your health.
Do you realise that as you are reading these lines, there are hundreds of thousands of people in your country who are struggling with serious sicknesses, if not death? There is equally innumerable number of people who are anxiously praying for just some of the things that God has blessed you with. Do you think that you are better than them? If your answer is yes, I doubt that very much, except if you can say what you have done to deserve it.
All that you have, or are, God graciously give them to you, or make you who you are. As you are encountering this difficult period, or any other, just purse a second and think of everything that God has graciously blessed you with. Do not forget that, as long as there is life, there is always hope. So, before you allow the distress of separation to suppress you, and kill your dreams, just count all your blessings, and your blessing will abound. God bless you! ......................................................This article remains the property of its author.This article is an extract of a chapter from the author's book entitled, "Living Though Separation", which he's yet to find a publisher for its publication.To contact the author: edet.effiom@gmail.com
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